Haha. My last entry was obnoxious. A much needed release, though, I would say. 

This has been the strangest week ever. In part, I think that the feeling of happiness has become strange to me...so weeks that include actual happiness are just that: strange, strange because weeks like this one resemble what once was normal. 

I'm glad I spent Tuesday afternoon hanging out with Archit even though I probably should have been working. I'm glad I finally spoke to Ly that night after months. I'm glad Angela woke me up on Wednesday to get breakfast. I'm glad Ly called me that same day and came over. I'm glad I saw Alla on Thursday. I'm glad I pushed myself and went to Noah's party last night (indeed, I was having second thoughts about going...my crankiness was getting to me). I'm glad I saw everyone last night, including Dora, who I now know through Noah, but who I first met through Anna. I'm glad I danced with pretty much the only straight single guy at the party. I'm glad Valentina was there. I'm glad there was alcohol. Sigh. Haha. It sounds like the week of a typical college student.

But the normalcy has become jarring. I want to say my world is gray, but all I see is a line of black and a line of white grazing each other but refusing to mix. I feel like sadness is grabbing on one arm and pulling me with all its might, and the desire to be a normal college student is tugging just as mightily on the other arm. Then there I am, in the middle of it all, my arms being pulled in opposite directions, and I, limp, unable to move.  Frozen in a place where nothing exists, but so does everything. 

There are flashing rainbow lights around me but I am not blinking. That is how it feels.