I am stressed by a seemingly endless stream of final papers and assignments, but what is important is that they will be over, and when they are, I have people to love and to love me back.
Today, a Tuesday, I felt it: the hunger to know and to be known, the latter being something I've so long doubted and so often question.
Tuesdays are typically Tracy Days. Solitary, but necessary. A refuse, a mental escape. I sleep late. I peruse the web. I do homework in a leisurely manner if at all. Read for pleasure. Tuesdays are the only Tracy Days left in the week. Fridays and weekends I am home or at the hospital. There is gagging. There are needles. There is love, such love, but so much fear. Sickening smiles, but I am grateful for them nonetheless. It's not like I want the doctors and nurses to frown at me...but it is all an act and I know that. An illusion. A hellhole masquerading as something else. But it is hell. The sounds, the smells of sickness...it is fucking hell.
The other days there is school, stress, Envoy. It is not hell but on those days I cannot help but recall hell, and so, hell finds me when I'm not looking for it, when I am just trying to get by, to live, breathe, and be normal.
Today was not a typical Tracy Tuesday, but it was lovely, and a welcome change. Today was people. Today I took in others, breathed them in and held it. I will keep them in there. I will remember. I will try. I will know, when I am alone, that I need not be lonely.
I am tired, so tired, and lack the energy to write anymore articulately. Without saying more, I'd just like to say that today deserved an entry so an entry did it get. It was a beautiful day.
Thank you.
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