Today has been the perfect example of how the direction of a seemingly doomed day can change with a positive attitude.

There were no massive revelations today. Nothing inherently happy. Yet, I pushed myself in class. I forced myself to raise my hand. I chatted casually with classmates. I bought a book I've been wanting to read. I returned to my friend salt that I borrowed to cook the other night, not at all intending to stay and chat, but did so anyway, and it was satisfying (we hadn't talked in a while. space really does do wonders even when it's not intentional/you don't realize that you need it). I spoke with Alla on the phone, something which almost never disappoints because she gets me more than almost anybody. I ate a mango, too. Yum. 

This all from a day that started out with spills, failing printers, rushing to buy a book for today's class that I thought I'd already purchased (turns out the professor never sent them to the school bookstore but he/the store did not bother to tell the class. humph). And yesterday I got fricken stuck in a staircase. It seemed fated to happen. I in fact knew it would happen before it did (it's so weird how one knows these things, like when I knew, just knew, that my father had colon cancer before he told me so). It seemed like everything that could've gone wrong, did-- little things, on top of this huge thing that is constantly there. Granted, nothing that happened today is amazing. But it's a start. Yet another start, in this endless circle: this cycle of gathering my positive energy, building up strength, and then losing it all when I return home at the end of the week and am confronted with reality. But "they" say two steps forward one step back, right? Well, at least I'm trying to make progress. I believe I have it in me to deal with this because the alternative is suicide or conscious death (which is essentially the same as suicide). 

I'm not fond of any of my options, but finding some form of strength within to trudge through the next few months is really the only one I can choose. 

I can do it! Even if I don't know that I can, I am choosing to write it! I am choosing to believe I can, because I CAN! I have been strong before, and if anyone can do this, it is me. I just need to remind myself of that more often. I need to remind myself that I am loved. I will be OK. I am me, therefore I am OK. I am not perfect, but I am trying, and that is all I can do or ever hope to.