egypt seems so long ago, now. it was only a few months ago. ages ago. i ache for egypt, for that summer of blissful ignorance. it was beautiful. only i didn't know how beautiful then. 

i cooked egyptian food two nights ago. it was pretty decent, and soothing to cook because i haven't really cooked at all this semester. too busy eating hot dogs and beef patties from the street carts. too busy stuffing hunter college cafeteria pizza into my face between classes. too busy eating the hospital's free lifetime supply of graham crackers and pretzels. too busy forgetting to eat entirely until my stomach sends a nasty reminder my way. too busy, never busy enough to forget. 

i haven't done laundry in ages. everything is in disarray. i might be dating someone right now. i might not. i don't know. isn't that something one usually knows? how odd. how very odd this all is.

things are better. they are not good, but better since i last posted, at least. i am starting to re-socialize. i've talked things out with some. strange, though, how grateful i am that we talked, and how much i love my friends...yet, i don't quite feel ready to end the freeze out. i don't know why i'm doing it. i simply want to hate people. 

my father seems more like himself than before. but he paces a lot. we are all so uneasy. nobody can sleep. i haven't even tried yet tonight. my father came down in his robe twice already. just a few minutes ago, at 3 am, he sat down with me. at least i see him maybe trying to survive now. a social worker today taught him some breathing techniques. i think we could all use that. it's crazy, how basic instincts need to be relearned. how i wish for a time when we all still knew how to breathe...