i've been thinking of you tons as i get my grades back. i have one more left to get, but even this semester, i've managed to pull off a 4.0 so far, though i technically haven't gotten all of my grades. A in middle eastern history. A+ in essay writing. still waiting on spanish...but even without my spanish grade, i know you'd be proud. i constantly wish you were here so i could share my successes with you, little as they may be. i've told so many people how well i've done in school, in spite of the insanity this semester and the odds against me, and no one seems quite as excited as i am. i know you would be though. i just wish you were here to be proud. i wish you were here to give me advice on what the hell to do with my life after college, even if it means nagging me about how i should go to law school instead of gallivanting around the world aimlessly to places you probably think are too dangerous. i wish you were here to send me emails about the countries you don't want me to go to. i wish you were here to warn me about the rate of infectious diseases in ghana. i just wish you were here period. and god, it hurts so much.

i think of you when that Coolio song, "Ill See U when You Get Here," comes on, the one that you noticed in Atlantic City because it uses classical music.

the bottom line is, i miss you every second of every day. i am constantly reminded of you. everything is strange and foreign without you. nothing feels right and nothing feels the same. i can't get over how unfair this is. i'm doing better than i was, really trying to have a positive attitude, enjoy life, and appreciate what i have, but the moments i miss you sort of build up. in and of themselves, they're bearable, but after a while, my heart grows heavy with longing. i wish i'd had a more definitive conversation with you towards the end establishing that you were alright. my memories of you towards the end are of you not trusting us, telling us not to let anyone take you away, not to take away the house from you, not to kill you, etc. i know that that wasn't you, that it was the toxins in your brain making you paranoid, but i still can't shake these memories. i'm having trouble with them. i'm having trouble with the fact that you weren't ready to go and that you were so afraid of the end. i think of that morning when i woke up to see you stroking my mom, and i feel that perhaps that was the moment you started to come to terms with things. but by then you could barely speak. i just wish we had talked. i wish you had been able to tell us what you were feeling. i wish i had been braver and better and more attentive. most of all, i just wish you were here, still...and well. i wish this whole year hadn't happened. i wish that my typing all of these wishes out would actually make them come true. i wish that there is life after death, and that you know about my grades and you ARE proud of me still, even if you can't tell me so. just please, please let me see you again someday. i've never been patient, but i can manage to wait if i know we'll reunite. i want things to be OK, but how can they be when i miss you so much and when i want so badly to know if you are more than ashes scattered at sea?

just wondering, how is it already the middle of december?

it kind of scares me how time is passing...it will be two months in two days...

heard these song lyrics today (see below) while listening to my ipod. they, in the context of the song, seem to be about a search for god. but they also so resonate with me. they remind me of my own struggles with friends, feeling like i need people only when they aren't there, and wondering if i did something to provoke their sudden absence.

"Why do I always need to need you when you're fleeing?
Where do you go when I'm around?
What have I done? What have I lost that's so defeating?
And have the nerve to wear the crown?"


sigh. music makes me feel just a little less alone.

on another note, houston is great! after speaking with my mom and getting a call from katie, i'm in less of a good mood because my bubble of distraction was somewhat burst. but overall, everything has been wonderful here! the people are so down-to-earth and friendly. i really like the campus environment, and OH YEAH, that i wore sandals and a tank top today! seeing tsz has been wonderful. we really have no shortage of things to talk about. it's been so refreshing to be in an environment with virtually no reminders of anything. i actually spent the entire day, until the evening, laughing and smiling and barely thinking about my troubles at home. i've also gotten plenty of studying done. i'll be sad to leave, but hopefully when i return i'll feel refreshed and ready trudge on. i think i just really needed a break and to remember how it feels to laugh.

the fact of the matter is, sometimes, my mom is the only thing that keeps me here.

HOUSTON BOUND TOMORROW NIGHT TIL SUNDAY!

I think it will be the perfect change of scenery. AND IT WILL BE IN THE 70s!! Ahh...so much better than NYC :)

Of course, I argued with my mom about it. She's scared the plane will crash and I'll die, pretty much. Fair enough. I mean, given everything.

I hope that I come back from Houston with a change of attitude. I hate being this insecure and taking things personally, but sometimes it's really difficult not to :(

leaaaaavinggggg on a jet plane?

FUCK EVERYONE

I just want to give my middle finger to the world, pick up, and leave this place.

at first i was thinking small, like visiting other friends in nyc and getting away from my dorm/home. then i realized i have sky miles...

I CAN GO ANYWHERE IN THE U.S.! well, pretty much anywhere, anyways...but preferably somewhere warm!

the symbolic gesture of literally fucking off amidst finals and family obligations might be exactly what i need. of course, i'll get back in time for finals and i'll bring my hw with me. but still, it would be nice to go. and what's more, it would be nice to go without telling anybody that i'm going. just leaving and letting them wonder where the fuck i am.

my phone will be off, along with gchat, skype and all other ways to reach me. maybe i'll even -gasp- delete facebook. and most of all, i will be far far away from this dreadful, freezing, concrete hell-hole.

all the people i've been "bothering" will have their much-needed break from me, and i'll have my much-needed break from them too.

truthfully, i can't stand most people anymore. especially the ones with whom i'm closest. i feel like their patience has run out, and it's making me think that i'm either: a) going crazy b) a burden c) annoying d) should be "over" my dad's suffering/death by now or e) all of the above.

in short, a lot of my friends are making me feel like shit. their solution to my problems is/was telling me to go to sleep and that things will be better in the morning when i'm not over-thinking them as much. but you know what? yes, i know i tend to over-think things in many cases, but most of these problems do NOT come from that! in fact, they barely require any thinking or fabrication at all! they are simply a flood of horrible, painful memories and it's great that my friends were there for me when the death happened, but reactions to something this immense take time. mine happened to be delayed, as many people's are. and this is exactly what i was afraid of...that when it finally hit me, i'd be alone.

fuck fuck fuck

FUCK

and no, i'm really not over-thinking that fact that a) my father is gone forever b) he suffered like fucking crazy c) my family is currently too poor to eat without taking from our savings d) i have no idea what i'm doing with my life e) i don't even know

and frankly, i don't think i'm reading too much into the fact that people have seemed somewhat more distant lately. i mean, i don't think i ask for much. sometimes all i need is a room to hang in and a hug. but people have been giving off this vibe that i'm not welcome.

if i'm not welcome, well, i'm leaving. it's that simple. somehow, i'll find a way to be out of everyone's hair.

i can do this
i can do this
i can do this
i can do this
i can do this

if i repeat it enough, i think it will be true.


**


things can't be horrible forever. the pain will dull eventually, right? i have to be ok.

i can be. i will be...

DEC 5, appx. 6 to 8 AM: as i write index cards for middle eastern history, i realize that i am proud of myself for being on top of my work.
-i begin to write another card. it says: "note to self-- you can fucking do it."
-i begin to fear that this is true.
-while i am afraid of not succeeding, i am even more afraid of success.
-why?
-he never told me it would be OK. daddy never said i was allowed to move forward with my life.
-he refused to admit what was going on, thus did not talk about it, and did not have any last words of reassurance for me.
-i know he loved me, but how could he be OK with my forgetting, even for a moment, that he isn't here? and what's more, how could he be OK with my failing to remember all that he went through, & all 14 months of suffering?
-but how might i succeed without forgetting? how can i function without putting it out of my mind? how can i put it out of my mind without feeling guilty?
-little makes a difference:
-not logic
-not reassurance from others
-it just feels wrong.
-why didn't he just tell me it's OK to be OK?
-maybe because it isn't?
-i do not want to be the one to connect the dots.
-forever wondering

looking through my high school yearbook, it seems to me that everybody believed i'd be doing something great with my life by now. i feel shortchanged. i feel like my opportunities to live up to my potential have been taken away. and now that i finally have another chance to take back my life, i can't seem to seize the moment. i feel as though i've been crushed for good. against all other adversity, i was able to bounce back. but i don't feel myself bouncing. i feel myself shrinking and shriveling and hiding and running.

i feel like every thing i do, i do it just to trudge along. just to graduate on time. but what the hell will i do when i graduate? i just don't know, anymore. i feel like i completely lack the direction and motivation i once had.