FUCK EVERYONE
I just want to give my middle finger to the world, pick up, and leave this place.
at first i was thinking small, like visiting other friends in nyc and getting away from my dorm/home. then i realized i have sky miles...
I CAN GO ANYWHERE IN THE U.S.! well, pretty much anywhere, anyways...but preferably somewhere warm!
the symbolic gesture of literally fucking off amidst finals and family obligations might be exactly what i need. of course, i'll get back in time for finals and i'll bring my hw with me. but still, it would be nice to go. and what's more, it would be nice to go without telling anybody that i'm going. just leaving and letting them wonder where the fuck i am.
my phone will be off, along with gchat, skype and all other ways to reach me. maybe i'll even -gasp- delete facebook. and most of all, i will be far far away from this dreadful, freezing, concrete hell-hole.
all the people i've been "bothering" will have their much-needed break from me, and i'll have my much-needed break from them too.
truthfully, i can't stand most people anymore. especially the ones with whom i'm closest. i feel like their patience has run out, and it's making me think that i'm either: a) going crazy b) a burden c) annoying d) should be "over" my dad's suffering/death by now or e) all of the above.
in short, a lot of my friends are making me feel like shit. their solution to my problems is/was telling me to go to sleep and that things will be better in the morning when i'm not over-thinking them as much. but you know what? yes, i know i tend to over-think things in many cases, but most of these problems do NOT come from that! in fact, they barely require any thinking or fabrication at all! they are simply a flood of horrible, painful memories and it's great that my friends were there for me when the death happened, but reactions to something this immense take time. mine happened to be delayed, as many people's are. and this is exactly what i was afraid of...that when it finally hit me, i'd be alone.
fuck fuck fuck
FUCK
and no, i'm really not over-thinking that fact that a) my father is gone forever b) he suffered like fucking crazy c) my family is currently too poor to eat without taking from our savings d) i have no idea what i'm doing with my life e) i don't even know
and frankly, i don't think i'm reading too much into the fact that people have seemed somewhat more distant lately. i mean, i don't think i ask for much. sometimes all i need is a room to hang in and a hug. but people have been giving off this vibe that i'm not welcome.
if i'm not welcome, well, i'm leaving. it's that simple. somehow, i'll find a way to be out of everyone's hair.
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