Last year at this time I had a laundry list of all that I was thankful for. I think most of those items are still applicable, but in this moment, it is so hard to be grateful. For what, exactly? My father's illness? The strain on the family? The fights, the tears, this dynamic where we all walk on eggshells until we crack?
You can't wait until I'm dead, he told my brother.
Is this what I should be thankful for? Or, hmm, should I be grateful that everyone is fucking leaving next semester when I was supposed to leave too? It's overwhelming, really, how much I should be praising the universe for my fabulous luck. Thank you, oh great universe, for making junior year so...interesting. I know life would simply be boring if I could, you know, fall asleep without pills or eat normally. Or if my father didn't gag at the dinner table, how routine that would be. How mundane, to have a dinner without Dad having to pop some pills for unbearable nausea. Without weekly hospital trips, well gee, I don't know what I'd do with myself. I mean, there are free graham crackers and pretzels! That sure makes it worth it!
Yeah, life would certainly be boring in Thailand with my friends. That sounds like a real drag. And, really, who wants to be a normal college student when you can go home every weekend and have grand adventures supermarket shopping with your parents? Or hey, on the extra special weekends, go to Costco! Oh boy! Who would want to spend their time any other way? I sure wouldn't!
And I am so very lucky I have this opportunity to parent my parents at the ripe old age of 20. I am so very grateful that I can no longer say no to anything my father asks of me. This way, I get to do chores all the time! 24/7 chore-doing! Really, I enjoy being a little puppet daughter. It's great exercise.
I mean, how awful my friends have it, rushing around for visas and trying to fill out forms. Oh no, how I do not envy their pre-departure preparations almost as much as I do not envy the fact that they are departing at all. I'm positively ecstatic to stay in New York next semester. Positively through the roof.
What an excellent hand I've been dealt.
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DISCLAIMER: That being said, I think I have to end with at least some expression of thanks; I feel guilty for feeling this way at all. Oh, what vicious circles I land myself in by thinking too much...feeling guilty for feeling guilty, and such. But, I digress. The point is that there is silver lining to be thankful for. And there are some very amazing people in my life, as well. You know who you are.
Nonetheless, I need my day to come. My day of filling out forms and being frustrated with how bureaucratic and mundane it all is. My day of knowing, not hoping, that there is a better future in store. I am thankful for what I have, and I do believe life is what you make of it, but try as you might, sometimes your ingredients just won't make what you need. Spam, after all, will never make apple pie.
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