I don't want to countdown. Actually, I refuse. I need to enjoy the time we have now. It may or may not be short, but it is precious. 

I will love today because today is all I have.  

Today, my father and I watched Monty Python together. Today we played 20 Questions. Today Daddy challenged me with silly logic/math sequences. Today we talked and laughed. Today was better than yesterday. Today he thanked me for being with him and I told him, "anytime."  I hope he saw it in my eyes, how much I meant it when I said it, how much I need him to know that he is loved and treasured. I think he knows. He is not one to say "thank you" with such sincerity. His "thanks" means he saw what I saw, the love, the secret understanding that could only exist between Daddy and Tracy.

Focusing on the present is not my strong suit. I am a planner. A dreamer. Always have been. I no longer have it in me to dream of tomorrow. I will not accept a certain specific tomorrow, so I will refuse to permit it into my imagination. Though this is a concept I am still getting used to, I know that what matters is the now. 

Today was better, and today was our day, Daddy's and mine. 

I have grown so much through this. I do not like that I've been forced to grow, but I have, and I was fairly grown to begin with, but I was also hardened from years of being an adult while I was still a child. Now, I've given into my emotions, that is, I give myself space to have them. But I am slowly learning not to dwell. That is easier said than done, but I will say it nonetheless. I will say it because saying it is important. I will say it because I have found a place where fright, sadness, and anger can coexist with stability, hope, drive, and satisfaction.  It is not the perfect place, but there is light here. There is beauty here. There is darkness and ugliness, but all is not lost. There are possibilities. 

Alla says that you know you have something valuable when you realize how much you'd miss it when it's no longer within reach. Alla is right. I'm realizing this with my friends leaving next semester for study abroad. I'm realizing this with my father, even more, and I believe he is realizing it with me. We are putting past conflict aside because we see how much we love each other, how much we want to know each other. It is moving me to tears, to think this, but still I am grateful for this closeness, this unspoken connection we now seem to have. I wish it did not take something so awful and painful for this to transpire, but I am trying not to dwell on regrets. I DO have these regrets, though. It would be a lie for me not to say so. I hate missing someone who is not gone, wishing I could go back in time and change so many things. Wishing I could have made myself less selfish and more obedient, wishing I could have been a more perfect child. 

As though somehow behaving better or scooping the litter when he asked me would have changed the future and caused him not to get sick. 

As though somehow, if I had only been more cooperative, Daddy's colon would have been more cooperative too.

That is not how these things work. I know, I know. I could not have known, as an indignant fifth grader, a stubborn ninth grader, an independent college student-- I could not have known then what I know now. 

I know this much is true, however: I will never regret being the best daughter I can be NOW, because that is something over which I have control. I am within my power.