I am SO tired of people telling me what I "have" to do! Fuck "you," I don't have to do anything! Try being in my shoes, geeze. What is the point of ranting to people if all they do is tell me I need to be strong, I need to fight it blah blah blahity fucking blah. If fighting it were so easy don't they think I would do it?! Not that I'm not fighting, I'm just not always winning! And when I do lose, I'd rather not have it rubbed in my face! Can't that be OK...to give in...sometimes I need to be allowed to subsist in my dark place for a while, because darkness is the reality. Sure, maybe it's healthier to be deluded but unless people see what I see they have no fucking idea, none! And I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend myself for wanting to give in. 

I hope none of my friends ever *have* to understand, but I also wish that I didn't feel so alone right now. And I am fed up with trying to reach out to people who care, but won't ever get it (inshallah). 

I think it's best if I find the strength within myself. I'm tired of turning to others. It's ironic, but they'll be getting their way; I'm going to start being "strong."

I'll fight it, alright, but it looks like I'm fighting alone. 

That's all I have in the end. Me. Some well-meaning friends, maybe, but that is ephemeral: always. I, however, am stuck with myself for good, so I guess I better start coming to terms with that.

Goals for this week:

1. GO TO CLASS

2. Do my work, make to-do list for the next month

3. Read for pleasure

4. Do laundry, wash dishes, clean room

5. SLEEP

6. Exercise! 

7. DO IT ALL BY MYSELF