UGH I WISH EVERYONE WOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT STUDY ABROAD. I CANNOT FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE.

I know that everyone is preparing to leave shortly, so of course they're talking about it, because that's what's going on in their lives now, but I just don't want to hear it anymore. Dare I say it? THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME TOO, GODDAMNIT! And as next semester looms closer, I cannot help feeling like I'm being slapped in the face every time someone mentions their study abroad. Even the people who went through hell to be able to go, had to deal with all this bureaucratic crap, well you know what, at the end of the day, they're still fucking going and I'm NOT! 

I know I've written (and spoken) about this ad nauseam but god it just keeps getting closer and I cannot face it. I think the worst part is knowing it is going to come and waiting and waiting and waiting and prolonging the inevitable. Maybe once next semester comes it will be alright, it will have to be--but I cannot see that now. Now all I can see is the glass half empty. I know that that is bad, but fuck that. I'm so fucking tired of people who are so lucky failing to fucking see it! I want to say that I will never take the small things for granted again after this whole ordeal, but that is probably a lie, because I am human, too...and probably will always be susceptible to anger at minor inconveniences. Nonetheless, this really *does* put things in perspective. This is unbelievable. Just unbelievable. Like, really...how is this even fucking possible. How, WHY...god, why?! I just don't know what I did to deserve this. This is unfair on every level...

I feel like everything I was waiting for is being taken away from me! I probably sound whiny and petty but I just don't give a shit! 

I want to say that all I want to do is curl up and die, but really, I DON'T want that; it's every time that I begin to tend towards those thoughts that I realize how much I *do* have to be grateful for, even though I'm being a huge bitch and failing to recognize all of the great things in my life. But yes, the fact that I don't *really* want to die tells me that there is a reason I want to carry on. I see faces in my head just before the dark thoughts become too much. I see Alla's face, in particular. That girl is my savior. If there is one thing that keeps me going, it is knowing that Alla is always here to support me. 

Still, how good it would be to feel alive again...like before.