I know this is OD blog-posting but I cannot help it. I just feel so frustrated and sad....torn between trying to make up for next year by spending so much time with people now that they never want to see me again, or ignoring my friends completely to make saying goodbye easier. I just can't deal with this. I can't. I can't face this. I know it would be better to be positive, to say that I can...but I can't. I think parting would be easier if I knew that my friends would make the effort to stay in touch, but I don't know that. In fact, I do not think they will. They are wonderful people, but to be honest, the bunch is rather self-centered. I do not mean that in a bad way, yet, they are so polar opposites from me. I constantly anticipate people's needs (maybe I should be a secretary >_<), whereas they will be there only if I ask or make it clear that I need it. But I cannot do that all the time. Sometimes I need people to anticipate. Sometimes I need people to make it clear that they care and are going to be there. But I guess they can't make that clear if it isn't true :(

The truth is, I am very bad at ignoring people, even when I want to. And now, I feel like the time for ignoring is over. If I ignore my friends this week, that's it. We have one more week or so til' goodbye. But when I do reach out...well, I just don't know if they realize how much it means to me to spend time with them right now. It is not an ordinary time, when going a week on my own would be fine. I'll have plenty of time on my own next semester, and so will they...I just want to enjoy the time with them now. But I don't think they see that, because they're not the ones being left behind.