The lyrics just speak to me in this moment:
"Let me tell you, no I
I need a miracle
I need a miracle
It's more physical than what I need to gather through"
I need a miracle
I need a miracle
It's more physical than what I need to gather through"
If only I believed in miracles, in religion, in something higher and larger than myself. Something greater than human beings, something...someone who could answer my prayers. Not that I pray. I "wish." I stare up at the sky at nothing and wish. In these moments, I feel like crossing myself for some reason, but don't. I resist the urge because my logical, rational side would be appalled. I want to believe so badly that there is some grander reason for this struggle, that there is an answer in the heavens. But I don't believe in answers. There isn't one. As much as I need, want, hope, long...none of that will make a difference. What will be, will be, and I have no control over that whatsoever. My father may live, or he may not. I may get my chance to go abroad next year, or I may be forced to remain at home. I may have "my day," or that day may not come at all. The worst thing is not knowing. Harder yet is that the only thing I know for sure is that no matter what I do and what I want, the decisions are not mine. I only know that I know nothing at all. Maybe that is all the knowledge I need, but it is certainly not the knowledge that I want.
Reality is ugly.
No comments:
Post a Comment