I speak with silent vowels on my tongue. Unless they're spelled out letter-by-letter, they just disappear into the word...poof. You can never hear murmurs of past, unspoken memories, sulking and sitting, silent but deadly, slowing you down, making you stop, think, turn back... stop trying...stop caring...just stop.
I do not want to feel like a whiner. Sadness does not justify giving up. "Depression"--or whatever it is that this is-- does not justify giving in. But, I just do not want to do anything anymore. It's not just about being about a whiny, lazy bum. It's more than that. I'm losing a little bit of myself, I feel. I want to retreat, to hibernate inside myself, hide away like those silent vowels between the other letters...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Longing
There is an ache, for what exactly, I don't know. For different motions: a purpose. For a world that is not reduced to what class I have when, a life that is not scheduled into hourly blocks.
I could be doing so much more. More than grappling with grandiose academic vocabulary. More than pretending to be interested. I feel as though I have found what I love to do-- there are many things-- but none of them are inside a classroom anymore. The Hunter halls are stifling. Even reading for pleasure is a luxury. My sole purpose is to attend class and get good grades, my real priorities surpassed by obligation. If I do what I WANT to do, even if I am learning more from it than I ever could in a giant lecture hall, my grades will suffer. I am not smart enough to do well without studying. But I'm not sure that I can do this any longer. It's not even about being burnt out. It's just...I cannot neatly fit what I really want to do amidst this nonsense. The public service project I've wanted to do for months is progressing at snail's crawl. But that is what I want to spend my life doing. I cannot do a good job like this, let alone do it at all...but I know I am capable, if only I am able to devote myself. I do not want to flit between obligations like an insect between flowers.
I ache for the world. Not THIS world. Not MY world, but THE world, endless, sprawling before me...
I feel as though I'm swallowing dust...
I could be doing so much more. More than grappling with grandiose academic vocabulary. More than pretending to be interested. I feel as though I have found what I love to do-- there are many things-- but none of them are inside a classroom anymore. The Hunter halls are stifling. Even reading for pleasure is a luxury. My sole purpose is to attend class and get good grades, my real priorities surpassed by obligation. If I do what I WANT to do, even if I am learning more from it than I ever could in a giant lecture hall, my grades will suffer. I am not smart enough to do well without studying. But I'm not sure that I can do this any longer. It's not even about being burnt out. It's just...I cannot neatly fit what I really want to do amidst this nonsense. The public service project I've wanted to do for months is progressing at snail's crawl. But that is what I want to spend my life doing. I cannot do a good job like this, let alone do it at all...but I know I am capable, if only I am able to devote myself. I do not want to flit between obligations like an insect between flowers.
I ache for the world. Not THIS world. Not MY world, but THE world, endless, sprawling before me...
I feel as though I'm swallowing dust...
Friday, January 23, 2009
Stop
I live in the past and for the future. Maybe it's time to start relishing in the present.
That is where I fall short, time and time again: my inability to forget about where I'm going, what I'm doing, or what I've done. My insistence on planning. Everything. Years in advance. And my penchant to reflect....not just reflect, but dwell.
It's time to stop. Breathe. Let the present be the future I've been dreaming of. Dare to live in the moment...
That is where I fall short, time and time again: my inability to forget about where I'm going, what I'm doing, or what I've done. My insistence on planning. Everything. Years in advance. And my penchant to reflect....not just reflect, but dwell.
It's time to stop. Breathe. Let the present be the future I've been dreaming of. Dare to live in the moment...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I think my parents are--perhaps--on the verge of splitting up.
When I woke up this morning, everything felt better. And I had a good day with my best friend. It's not hard to come to terms with good things happening in her life because I do want them. And our relationship hasn't changed a bit.
Of course, the good day was ruined by my father, as has become a more and more frequent occurrence. This happens almost daily now. Tonight he blew up over a suit. A piece of fricken clothes...
I mentioned to my mom at dinner that one of my jackets needs two buttons sewed on. She pleasantly agreed to go look for buttons in our basement at some point. Suddenly, my father exploded with anger, for what seemed to be no reason at all. He was screaming at my mom for not sewing buttons on his suit yet. Then he spent the rest of dinner staring at his empty plate. He ignored anyone who tried to talk to him. I started to lecture him because I was tired of the crap, and told him he was being unpleasant. He told me it was none of my business and left the table, locked himself in his study, and later asked my mom if he could stay in the house for a few days before he left. He told her that she pushed him over the edge (over WHAT?! a few buttons on a suit?!). My mom says she thinks he's going crazy--literally. She semi-talked him out of leaving for now, that is, if I agree not to voice my opinion anymore when they are fighting. But WTF, it wasn't even about that. I wasn't trying to butt in where it wasn't my business. It WAS my business. If we are at the fricken dinner table and someone in the family is making dinner awkward or unpleasant for the rest of us because of his stupid, childish behavior, then YES, it's my business. And I'm not a kid anymore. I'm allowed to have a fricken opinion.
When I woke up this morning, everything felt better. And I had a good day with my best friend. It's not hard to come to terms with good things happening in her life because I do want them. And our relationship hasn't changed a bit.
Of course, the good day was ruined by my father, as has become a more and more frequent occurrence. This happens almost daily now. Tonight he blew up over a suit. A piece of fricken clothes...
I mentioned to my mom at dinner that one of my jackets needs two buttons sewed on. She pleasantly agreed to go look for buttons in our basement at some point. Suddenly, my father exploded with anger, for what seemed to be no reason at all. He was screaming at my mom for not sewing buttons on his suit yet. Then he spent the rest of dinner staring at his empty plate. He ignored anyone who tried to talk to him. I started to lecture him because I was tired of the crap, and told him he was being unpleasant. He told me it was none of my business and left the table, locked himself in his study, and later asked my mom if he could stay in the house for a few days before he left. He told her that she pushed him over the edge (over WHAT?! a few buttons on a suit?!). My mom says she thinks he's going crazy--literally. She semi-talked him out of leaving for now, that is, if I agree not to voice my opinion anymore when they are fighting. But WTF, it wasn't even about that. I wasn't trying to butt in where it wasn't my business. It WAS my business. If we are at the fricken dinner table and someone in the family is making dinner awkward or unpleasant for the rest of us because of his stupid, childish behavior, then YES, it's my business. And I'm not a kid anymore. I'm allowed to have a fricken opinion.
Monday, January 12, 2009
On Jealousy
This is one of the few emotions that can still make me cry. Because jealousy is so many things at once, so many feelings melded into one. Anger at myself and anger at others and concurrent happiness, happiness that I am feeling-- should be feeling-- want to be feeling-- wish I were feeling. Wistfulness, longing, yearning, needing, wishing, hoping piled on top of more hoping and a helping of resentment.
The worst thing is, the absolute worst, is that this is all about a guy. A GUY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH THE CRAZY FEMINIST INSIDE?!
Naturally, I am supposed to be happy when my best friend meets the perfect guy (but he was supposed to be MY perfect guy--he came up to ME first! ME! And as luck would have it, when he introduced me to his friend, we paired off-- she with him and me with the other, perfectly nice--but boring, awkward guy...and that pairing remained as such for the rest of the night.)
Now they are going out Thursday when she and I had plans for Thursday first, and it's driving me crazy! I'm letting it go because she was nervous and agreed to that day without thinking, but this is not the first time she is semi-ditching me for a guy. Last week we had a similar situation; it was supposed to be OUR night of going out and partying and a guy got in the way yet again...ONE WEEK LATER. She felt so bad and said it would never happen again, and now here it is happening again.
But she is so excited, SO EXCITED. This is the first date of her life so of course I have to be excited for her! I mean, how could I not be? I want her to be happy and in love. That was one of the wishes I made last night at 11:11. I want these things for her. I do. I just want them for me too...
That's the way it always worked before, after all. Our lives were always so parallel. And now...maybe they're more perpendicular? Misery and happiness both loved company with us. We always seemed to work and feel in sync and I don't want us to lose that.
Right now she is the best thing in my life. A lot of stuff is happening at home and I want to get away from it. Like much of the rest of the country (and world), my family is having financial problems. If my father were like a normal person, he would be willing to compromise/work harder to make ends meet. But no. In fact, he's actually talking about retiring! WHAT A LAZY *insert swear word of choice here*. He acts as though he is on a fucking throne...king of the house who must be obeyed at all times. The rest of us are doing our share, but he won't. He refuses. My mom calls herself the "house elf" and bitches to me about it. I empathize with her, and agree he is being a complete jerk, but I am tired of her bitching at me. If I hear the words "house elf" one more time I am going to throw a really heavy object or something.
And then I look at my parents and think, if this is what relationships are like, do I really want one? What am I jealous of, anyway?
But then...this is just me being emo. There are so many things/people to be grateful for. And this vacation has been transformative in positive ways as well. I've been exercising like crazy and I'm feeling good about my body. I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful, intelligent, kind--albeit sometimes bitter and jealous-- person.
I am losing patience with life, wanting that "whole package" already...but at least I have myself.
The worst thing is, the absolute worst, is that this is all about a guy. A GUY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH THE CRAZY FEMINIST INSIDE?!
Naturally, I am supposed to be happy when my best friend meets the perfect guy (but he was supposed to be MY perfect guy--he came up to ME first! ME! And as luck would have it, when he introduced me to his friend, we paired off-- she with him and me with the other, perfectly nice--but boring, awkward guy...and that pairing remained as such for the rest of the night.)
Now they are going out Thursday when she and I had plans for Thursday first, and it's driving me crazy! I'm letting it go because she was nervous and agreed to that day without thinking, but this is not the first time she is semi-ditching me for a guy. Last week we had a similar situation; it was supposed to be OUR night of going out and partying and a guy got in the way yet again...ONE WEEK LATER. She felt so bad and said it would never happen again, and now here it is happening again.
But she is so excited, SO EXCITED. This is the first date of her life so of course I have to be excited for her! I mean, how could I not be? I want her to be happy and in love. That was one of the wishes I made last night at 11:11. I want these things for her. I do. I just want them for me too...
That's the way it always worked before, after all. Our lives were always so parallel. And now...maybe they're more perpendicular? Misery and happiness both loved company with us. We always seemed to work and feel in sync and I don't want us to lose that.
Right now she is the best thing in my life. A lot of stuff is happening at home and I want to get away from it. Like much of the rest of the country (and world), my family is having financial problems. If my father were like a normal person, he would be willing to compromise/work harder to make ends meet. But no. In fact, he's actually talking about retiring! WHAT A LAZY *insert swear word of choice here*. He acts as though he is on a fucking throne...king of the house who must be obeyed at all times. The rest of us are doing our share, but he won't. He refuses. My mom calls herself the "house elf" and bitches to me about it. I empathize with her, and agree he is being a complete jerk, but I am tired of her bitching at me. If I hear the words "house elf" one more time I am going to throw a really heavy object or something.
And then I look at my parents and think, if this is what relationships are like, do I really want one? What am I jealous of, anyway?
But then...this is just me being emo. There are so many things/people to be grateful for. And this vacation has been transformative in positive ways as well. I've been exercising like crazy and I'm feeling good about my body. I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful, intelligent, kind--albeit sometimes bitter and jealous-- person.
I am losing patience with life, wanting that "whole package" already...but at least I have myself.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thank You For Your Existence
Right now, as I think about the people in my life, I'm nearly moved to tears. I don't want to pull a sixth-grade and list everyone who's special, 'cause it's not a competition...I just feel the overwhelming need to get this out somewhere, even if only on my blog, to share how truly grateful I am for the friends who appear to be sticking around for good. I want the world-or maybe just the blogosphere- to know. I want to scream out loud from building-tops and mountain-tops alike.
I love you all. So much. You have no idea. Thank you.
I love you all. So much. You have no idea. Thank you.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The Obligatory Thanksgiving Entry
Time for a non-depressing entry...a list of stuff I'm thankful for in honor of Thanksgiving...LOL. I feel like this is a corny elementary school exercise. OK, here goes:
1. Illegally (and legally) downloaded music: got me through this cold and mopey weekend
2. The friends who are true and lovely and who tell me what I need to hear...whether I want to or not. A part of me wants to be a total sixth-grader and list them...but I know who they are, and so do they (plus only one of them reads this anyways lol)<3
3. My lovely kitties
4. Indian food
5. My brother, my mommy, and my dad
6. Yard sales
7. Di Fara's pizza
8. My grandma's care-takers
9. Six-hour conversations about music, life, friendships, and love
10. My promotion to co-editor in chief at the Envoy!
11. The teachers and professors who have inspired me and continue to be my guideposts
12. My high-school yearbook, and the letters/photos in them
13. Alla Malovichko and our parallel lives.
14. The Q train
15. The upcoming winter break
16. Words
17. Recovery
18. Future
1. Illegally (and legally) downloaded music: got me through this cold and mopey weekend
2. The friends who are true and lovely and who tell me what I need to hear...whether I want to or not. A part of me wants to be a total sixth-grader and list them...but I know who they are, and so do they (plus only one of them reads this anyways lol)<3
3. My lovely kitties
4. Indian food
5. My brother, my mommy, and my dad
6. Yard sales
7. Di Fara's pizza
8. My grandma's care-takers
9. Six-hour conversations about music, life, friendships, and love
10. My promotion to co-editor in chief at the Envoy!
11. The teachers and professors who have inspired me and continue to be my guideposts
12. My high-school yearbook, and the letters/photos in them
13. Alla Malovichko and our parallel lives.
14. The Q train
15. The upcoming winter break
16. Words
17. Recovery
18. Future
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