On Jealousy

This is one of the few emotions that can still make me cry. Because jealousy is so many things at once, so many feelings melded into one. Anger at myself and anger at others and concurrent happiness, happiness that I am feeling-- should be feeling-- want to be feeling-- wish I were feeling. Wistfulness, longing, yearning, needing, wishing, hoping piled on top of more hoping and a helping of resentment.

The worst thing is, the absolute worst, is that this is all about a guy. A GUY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH THE CRAZY FEMINIST INSIDE?!

Naturally, I am supposed to be happy when my best friend meets the perfect guy (but he was supposed to be MY perfect guy--he came up to ME first! ME! And as luck would have it, when he introduced me to his friend, we paired off-- she with him and me with the other, perfectly nice--but boring, awkward guy...and that pairing remained as such for the rest of the night.)

Now they are going out Thursday when she and I had plans for Thursday first, and it's driving me crazy! I'm letting it go because she was nervous and agreed to that day without thinking, but this is not the first time she is semi-ditching me for a guy. Last week we had a similar situation; it was supposed to be OUR night of going out and partying and a guy got in the way yet again...ONE WEEK LATER. She felt so bad and said it would never happen again, and now here it is happening again.

But she is so excited, SO EXCITED. This is the first date of her life so of course I have to be excited for her! I mean, how could I not be? I want her to be happy and in love. That was one of the wishes I made last night at 11:11. I want these things for her. I do. I just want them for me too...

That's the way it always worked before, after all. Our lives were always so parallel. And now...maybe they're more perpendicular? Misery and happiness both loved company with us. We always seemed to work and feel in sync and I don't want us to lose that.

Right now she is the best thing in my life. A lot of stuff is happening at home and I want to get away from it. Like much of the rest of the country (and world), my family is having financial problems. If my father were like a normal person, he would be willing to compromise/work harder to make ends meet. But no. In fact, he's actually talking about retiring! WHAT A LAZY *insert swear word of choice here*. He acts as though he is on a fucking throne...king of the house who must be obeyed at all times. The rest of us are doing our share, but he won't. He refuses. My mom calls herself the "house elf" and bitches to me about it. I empathize with her, and agree he is being a complete jerk, but I am tired of her bitching at me. If I hear the words "house elf" one more time I am going to throw a really heavy object or something.

And then I look at my parents and think, if this is what relationships are like, do I really want one? What am I jealous of, anyway?

But then...this is just me being emo. There are so many things/people to be grateful for. And this vacation has been transformative in positive ways as well. I've been exercising like crazy and I'm feeling good about my body. I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful, intelligent, kind--albeit sometimes bitter and jealous-- person.

I am losing patience with life, wanting that "whole package" already...but at least I have myself.