you are a teeny, tiny little buddy icon in my existence. i know nothing of you anymore, save that you're alive and across an ocean. but i can watch you from afar, watch your screen name flick on and off, on and off.

it is amazing, what we hold on to, the things we notice-- the tagged photos, the status updates, the comments on your wall-- the things that mean you are somewhere out there. it's amazing, the people we sit at the computer for, waiting and watching for the name that represents the person. the name that means you're living. somehow, it means you're alright. happy. happier than i am, anyway.

we wait for this name, this virtual icon, a symbol of distance, whether physical or emotional. we wait. we hold on to a memory, stare a name on a screen, and wait. hoping that one day it will be like it was before. but it will never be like before.

the waiting will end, but it never will. you will come back, and you will be happy, a changed person. the only thing that won't have changed will be me: still sad, lonely, struggling for answers. it will be old news. i, old news. continuing waiting.

you can choose your life, your fate, your existence to a certain extent. but some fates choose you.

the question is: can i live with this fate?