It would be my luck, wouldn't it, that there are riots in Thailand the week I am planning to go. Can't I get ANYTHING I want without strings being attached or something going wrong.

I'm scared this was all a bad idea. That this is a warning. I've had other warnings, other signs--like expedia and travelocity not working continuously when I tried to book the ticket. But I ignored the goddamn signs and pressed on. Hope I won't come to regret it.

Eh, well if the plane crashes or I am trampled over during a riot, c'est la vie. That is life. Or that is death, to be technical. I'd never ever ever induce it myself, but if it happened on its own, well, hey, maybe it wouldn't be so awful.

People speak of yin and yang, tell me that things cannot be this bad for this long. They have a point. After all, they can get worse.

My computer is bugging out right now but I can't restart it because I'm attempting to edit. All I want is for my goddamn itunes to play properly, but it keeps freezing in the middle of songs. I need my music to survive, or at least, to edit, but I don't even get that pleasure.

Am I one of those people not meant to be happy? I think I've brought happiness to many-- where's mine?

I struggled for so many years when I was younger, but I finally found myself, my happiness, in high school and college. Or so I thought. That all seems so far away now. Who I was, all that I had, has slipped from my grasp. Every now and then, I try to reach back to my past and yank it, but it is like grabbing for specks of dust in the air. Impossible. Tedious. Futile.

No, I'm not OK. I'm really, really not OK. And there's nothing anyone can do about it (save maybe a doctor who makes my father better or at least FEEL better).

For now, I am alive. That's as close as I'll get to OK, and that will just have to do.