Sudden, painful, and quick, memories come like the pinches of strangers in a crowd.

I keep wanting to go home, then I remember that I am. It doesn't feel like home anymore. We are cleaning out your closets, going to buy new furniture, etc. Things are going to change. We are reclaiming the house as though it only belongs to us, but it belongs to you too...in my heart.

It's as though I died with you. I wish that were true. At least temporarily. I want to go where you are, be with you, find answers, know you're OK.

But you aren't. That's the problem. And I'm stuck here, one needle away from a broken back.

rip daddy- 10/17/51 - 10/15/10 :(

I loved you so much. It hasn't really hit me that you're gone forever. I keep thinking you're going to come back, but by now your ashes are scattered somewhere over the sea.

Yet I'm sitting in class watching a stupid film about Sufism, surrounded by people who think everything is normal. Everything is the same, except that you're gone. But how can you be gone when nothing has changed?

The time bomb ticks, pauses occasionally, deludes me repeatedly, and resumes its course. There is no worse torture I know than this game of waiting for an inevitable end, then being given some reason to hope that the inevitable isn't so, right in time for things to get worse, then slightly better again, then even worse, and worse, and slightly better, then worse and worse and worse until it can't get any worse. If I know this pattern so well, why does it throw me every time?

FUCK THISSSSS

There is a difference between standing alone and being alone.

This morning, after pulling the all-nighter of all-nighters, I lost control at long last. I let myself lose it, that is. Yet, tonight, even going on 40 hours without sleep, I feel stronger. Sometimes you need to make yourself vulnerable, leave yourself a little room to fuck up and be human, and accept some damn help if someone wants to give it. Allowing that kind of support to penetrate my sarcastic, stone-cold exterior demanded strength that I never knew I had.

I may not always feel strong, but that doesn't mean I'm not. I don't have another choice. I bear the weight of circumstance and the fear of what happens after. This is my struggle, but I know you are here. Thank you for reaching me. I may stand alone, but I'm not.

knowing that life goes on from here is almost as scary as the status quo

you know you're sick in the head when you are dieting so you look pretty at a future funeral for a death that hasn't happened yet.

but you are already writing the eulogy in your head, aren't you? thinking of the future in the past tense when it is still the present. the moments that have yet to happen have happened in your head, haven't they?

stop mentally killing him off when he hasn't died. he isn't gone yet, and maybe you can save him yet, that is, if you start treating him like a man and stop treating him like a corpse.

---

he went to the hospital three days ago, and now all of a sudden, everything's changed. gone from terrible to dire. suddenly, he can barely stand up or walk up stairs after spending three days at a place that's supposed to make him feel better. last week he drove the car, and this week he can barely walk?! but it's all in the mind, ain't it? when you're told you're dying, you begin to die.

maybe it's too late, maybe you're deluding yourself, but maybe just maybe, you can change things. you've read stories about how people who had months to live and no options left changed their fates with their heads. it all starts with a positive attitude.