The hardest thing in the world is still easier than I ever imagined. It is far from easy, but saying goodbye, or "see ya later" is not so terrible after all. I will survive. I know I have it in me. 

It isn't the same. I'm missing people already. But, also, I'm doing alright. Shopping, dining, and good company are fabulous distractions. 

Yo, where the fuck is the silver lining?

I wrote earlier about the silver lining: the fact that my dad and I have grown closer since he was diagnosed with cancer. While it made me sad that it took cancer to make us put past conflicts aside, it also kept me going, kept me breathing, compelled me to get out of bed in the morning when that was the last thing I wanted to do. The desire to make my dad proud while he is alive and can be, has forced me to do everything I can do and be everything I can be, both for him and for myself. 

But now, my father doesn't speak much, and I am feeling strains on a relationship that had previously been growing stronger. When I call home and speak to him, and he doesn't even answer me, or when he sits there and stares at me silently, I feel as though we no longer understand each other, or are no longer trying to. It's too much. We're on different planes. Maybe we're forcing something that isn't there. But even if I imagined it before, the newfound closeness felt beautiful and real, and it was keeping me going. I was grateful that something good came out of this ordeal. What now? 

Everyone says life goes on, but does it? What is life without my dad, living physically but not really living? What is life without my friends here? I know, I know. Really, I know (this is for you, Katie, if I show this one to you)! The answer is inside of myself. 

I am supposed to love myself, to be comfortable with who I am, the good, the bad, the medium. Thing is, I love everyone else so much, I forget about loving myself. And that never seems to matter when everyone is here, because the companionship of people I love almost never fails to fulfill me. Even if it does not cancel out the sadness, it gives me a reason to keep on living. The struggle will be much harder alone. 

But- deep breath- I'll survive. 

Everyone here is so cranky. Everyone here is so angry. Everyone here is crying or yelling or nagging or frowning. Happy birthday, Mom. I'm sorry 2009 was the worst year of your life. I'm sorry that the last three years have gone from bad to worse. I'm sorry that you're cleaning up after your own birthday dinner. I am sorry, so sorry, as I hear you washing the dishes and running the garbage disposal. So sorry, yet, I sit here, unwilling to get up and help.  I'm sorry that I am not a better daughter, that simply being here makes me moody. That all I want to do is run away. Be by myself. Far from here. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but there is only so much I can do.

This is such an amazing story:

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

I am a shadow of my former self. 

 I can't believe I did not sleep until after 6 am "last night" after having basically been up for over 24 hours, save a 3 hour nap. Fuck my life.