please, please, please, please, PLEASE GOD PLEASE. 

i want to write more, but every time i do, i stop. i fear being detailed for some reason, an OCD thing perhaps, as though spelling out what i am hoping for will jinx my chance of ever realizing these desperate hopes. so all i can do is breathe in, breathe out, and repeat this constant refrain of please. all i can do is plead and pray and hope that somehow, some ambiguous someone out there, is listening.

This entry is a a place marker, a reminder to myself to write about what I cannot presently bring myself to write about. A reminder that I was a disappointment. Ideally, this entry will serve as a reminder to myself to be better, yet I feel as though perhaps it is just a documentation of my resentment. Or maybe it is simply a record of a memory, a conversation, yet another turning point in this mess. A warning that I cannot run away, cannot escape, cannot be wholly happy without causing pain. 

A breath of fresh air

I feel like my luck is changing, or maybe it is I who am changing my luck. I am happy, but afraid to admit it, afraid to jinx it all. I am having visions. Not psychic visions per se, but I've got a strong feeling that I cannot explain that everything is going to be OK. 

This feeling is terrifying because I am so convinced right now, yet, in the back of my mind a little voice tells me to go back to reality and not to get my hopes up. Still, the visions remain. 

I did not realize I could be happy again in spite of everything going on. Oh, I knew I could manage. I knew I would trudge along. But happiness was not a possibility. Not with my father being sick. Not with my having to stay in New York City while the majority of my friends embarked on exciting adventures abroad. I envisioned a lonely semester, consisting of painstaking efforts to keep myself busy and distracted just to pass the time.

Now, I am busy without effort. Envoy. Festival Isis. Alla. High school friends. Egypt friends. Parties. Hangovers (there's a first time for everything hahaha). Books. Mark? Movies. Food. Family. Cats. Cleaning. Envoy. Alla. Festival Isis. New friends. Old friends. Everything. 

But maybe I speak to soon. The spring semester has not yet begun. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps my intuition is failing me.

Yet, I think the time will pass. I see things getting better. I see it. Runtie is getting better. Maybe it is a sign. Things are changing. I know it. I know it. I know it. Next semester, my time will come. My day will come. I will be on my way...to somewhere...Ghana? Belize? Thailand? And then I will come back: back to the people I love...finally. Refreshed, relaxed, and content.

 

I don't even have to close my eyes. I see it everywhere I look. 

Yeah, I'm totally awesome

I feel like congratulating myself. I finally got all of my grades, and I've earned a 4.0 this semester! Two A's and two A+'s!!! Damn, sometimes I think I'm amazing. How the fuck did I pull this off? 

Funny, I question it like I don't know the answer, but I do! I worked my butt off and I didn't give up! I guess I'm just still in shock that I had it in me. But I do, and now I have proof of it on paper! (=

Inshallah, this will motivate me to keep working harder, to trudge on in the face of adversity. 

I cannot deal with my father's crankiness. Every other word that comes out of his mouth is an order. And he wonders why I never want to be at home. 

Inshallah!

I am marching on. I am keeping moving. I am trudging forward. My world hasn't stopped in your collective absence. I feel it alright, but I am filling the empty spaces with "a few of my favorite things" (yes, that means Alla and shopping especially). It is strange, having so little else to say. Perhaps that is a sign that I am alright. Inshallah. 

Dear 2010,

For the love of God, have mercy.

Sincerely,

Tracy