heartsick.

runtie was an amazing, gentle, benevolent presence in my life - and now he's gone. it's been two days. i cannot seem to get through them without crying, at random- in the train station, during my commute, when i am alone in my house or working at hunter. there is an ache that doesn't go away. there are images of him suffering, the spastic movements of his body trying to fight against itself, his yowls as we tried to pick him up and hold him, him being surrounded by doctors in the emergency vets' office as they stuck tubes down his throat, liquids dripping out of his mouth because he was no longer willing or able to swallow, the panting, the crying. everything.

there are parallels with last year. his sunken eyes, his violent death, the days and nights i spent with him, confined to one room, waiting for the inevitable. force feeding. the things i did to try and cheer him up - the youtube videos of birds chirping, the constant petting.

it's all coming back. the guilt over what i could have done, should have done, didn't know and wish i did, etc. i feel as though i did all the wrong things and can't help but think i poisoned his body when i was trying to do the exact opposite. i am angry, at myself, but more so at the vets who failed my baby. i am angry that they didn't inform us of certain risks, angry that they didn't pay attention, angry that they sent my runtie home sicker than when we brought him in.

i am sad because runtie was one of my best friends. he was a constant in my life for 10 years. he was born on my bed. i watched him grow up. it is hard to accept that he's gone for good, that this unwavering source of comfort is no longer with me. i walk around the house and am reminded of him in every room, his fur is undoubtedly still on his favorite places to sit, but i wouldn't know which strands belonged to him.

i miss him terribly. i am full of regret and emptiness. i was lucky to have known such an amazing creature, but our time together was far too short. i know i need to accept this change in my life, but i simply can't. i don't feel ok.

i am heartbroken.