The leaf refused to move. Even as I stored air in my cheeks like a hamster hoarding its food, sucked it in until I couldn't fit anymore, opened my mouth, and blew with everything I had. Even then it would not budge.
Eventually, I stopped trying, but the wind decided to teach me a lesson, moving the leaf effortlessly, gracefully as I'd imagined I might be able to. It flitted off into the distance, letting itself be controlled, giving into this wind, an invisible, but palpable and magnificent force. I could feel it on my skin, grazing my hairs, one by one, until they stood up on end, erect from the stroke of invisible cold.
---
When I saw it, I had gone for a run to take my mind off of things, but my thoughts would not have any of it. They quickly distracted my legs from their task, and my body gave in to a bench overlooking the East River. There was a leaf on the table in front of me, taunting me. Something told me I could have power over it. Control something, anything. But even this, a solitary leaf, would not fold to my breath.
I remember sitting there feeling angry that the wind could move it and I couldn't. I remember listening to my ipod, afraid that if I didn't finish songs in their entirety, that something bad would happen. I remember thinking that I had to get up at exactly 7:11 pm and return home, or once again, something bad would happen. I remember feeling like there were bungee chords tied to my legs and to somewhere else, a tree maybe, and that every time I tried to run, this giant rubber band was pulling me toward a hypothetical destination; it didn't matter where, only that it was not quite where I was going. Not quite what I was planning. Not quite what I'd signed up for.
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